Seeing Through Renewed Eyes

I feel like I cannot do anything else today until I share with you what God has been dealing with me about today, well all weekend. I have spent many days since my mother's death in 1996 wondering why and being upset, hurt, and even angry at times. Allowing these emotions to take over my life I have experienced anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and have closed my self off from people not wanting to get close for the fear of losing them or getting hurt. Other than my close family it is been hard to really let someone else in. In the past year I have been struggling with the loss of friendships and the closeness and comfort friends can bring to your life. This past weekend I have felt like God was trying to bring me home again in a relationship with Him that I lacked or only dabbled with for a while now. A dear friend of mine was online Sunday and she and I had a heart to heart about "Letting Go" and giving God control of everything. I have asked God to take control in the past, but have not let go. After crying and praying I began to read my Bible praying and searching for what God wanted me to do. It was funny because when I opened up my devotional book the title of the study in bold letters what "LET GO" I think God was trying to tell me something.
This morning I felt the Lord leading me to the book of James. I did not know how much I was going to read or if I was going to even understand what I was reading. I opened it up and began to read. When I got to verse 5 in Chapter 1 I started feeling God moving although since I was not use to listening I was not sure what he was saying so I kept reading. By the time I reached vers 8 I felt something telling me to stop and go back. I reread verses 5 - 6:

James 1:5-6 (NIV)
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he ask, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts I like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

After reading this over a few times and even looking at The Message Bible translation I realized that the unconditional love that I had lost when my mom died was right here all the time in Jesus Christ. I guess I felt unworthy or that He would be disappointed in me like I felt others had been in the past. I was trying to hide from Him I guess. Guess what?? YA CAN'T DO THAT!!! God also showed me that all the times I had asked him to take away something or tried to give him part of me I was not believing He was strong enough to handle it all. All I needed to to is believe...that simple. By believing in Him I am trusting him and living on the faith that he alone can handle everything in my life. I am sure there will be times I fall and He has to pick me up again, but today is a day that I praise Him and rejoice in the peace that he has given me and I will everyday through the good and the bad, because God is with me and will NEVER leave me.

Thank you Lord Jesus!! I praise you for the past, present, future and those who you have brought in and out of my life that have touched me in ways that only you could have known.

I also want to share that while all of this was happening I was reading a Christian fiction novel entitled "Every Now and Then", by Karen Kingsbury. This was the first time I had read anything by her and one of the few Christian based authors I have read. In the book the main character was dealing with his father's death and had pulled away from friends and family. It was strange to me how some of the emotions he was feeling I also had felt. If you enjoy reading this is a great book and has truly left me with a more open mind and stronger desire to follow the Lord and His plan for my life.